Rules for surviving a work ski trip

1.  Expect delays: If you leave Auckland at 5pm on a Friday, you will spend a soul-destroying hour sitting in traffic.  You knew this would happen, which makes the whole experience worse.

2.  Expect livestock: You may, driving north of Taumarunui, come across two men and a dog in hot pursuit of a lovely brown goat gamboling across the road.  Stopping in time means Billy Goat Junior won’t be tonight’s dinner.

3.  Expect an emotional time: You might feel very cheerful when you first see the lovely show, but may proceed to disbelief when you put your ski boots on and re-discover how ridiculously heavy and uncomfortable they are.  The thrill of your first little run might be accompanied by deep humiliation when you fall over on your first attempt to use the tow-rope.  The increasing confidence you start to feel may turn to despair when you fall over on your second attempt to use the tow-rope.  This may start to fester and become genuine annoyance, perhaps even rage, when five year olds whizz past on their skis like seasoned pros, not even using ski-poles.  A serene trip up the mountain on a chair lift should restore your initial joy and happiness, as you view the spectacular mountain framed against a bright blue sky, and hundreds of merry skiers and boarders zooming around.

4.  Expect sore muscles: By early afternoon your calves and thighs might start to send you a message, something like “what on earth are you DOING? Get these damn boots and skis OFF and have a lie-down.”  A quick stop for a pie and a drink should put those messages on hold briefly.

5.  Expect to have a nana-nap: When you do make it off the mountain, return the gear, get back to the lodge, have a long nice hot shower and decide to have a wee lie down, your next conscious thought might be to realise that you’ve just had a two hour sleep.

6.  Expect nutters on the road: Overtaking in a 25 year old orange Datsun just before a bend might seem suicidal, but that doesn’t mean someone won’t do it.  When you catch up to the orange Datsun an hour later, trapped behind a camper van, you can laugh heartily.

7.  Expect rain: When you pass the “Welcome to Auckland” sign on your way home, the heavens may open and dump unprecedented amounts of rain on the world.  All traffic may slow to 60kph and visibility to approximately 50 meters.  This is how you know you are back in Auckland.

8.  Expect a welcome home: Your two girls and the dog will be delighted to see you and may leap all over you covering you with kisses and licks.  Your husband may also be delighted to see you, but may express this differently, perhaps by escaping to a dark room behind a closed door for his first moment of peace in 48 hours, not emerging for at least an hour.