Awkward moment ahead

I have a feeling I have some awkward moments ahead, specifically Awkward Cancer Moments (ACM’s).  I’ve had quite a few of these in the last 18 months, and they go something like this:

[Introductory conversation with someone I don't know, eventually they ask about what I've been up to recently eg work/child raising / etc]

Me: Um, well, I’ve had a bit of time off work recently.

Them: Oh lovely, that must have been great.  What did you do?

Me: Ah well, um [frantically trying to think of something, finally deciding telling the truth is probably easier in the long run] actually I was diagnosed with cancer last year.

Them: Oh my goodness.  [Long pause]  Thats awful.

Me: [God this is awkward, now I've got to make them feel better about me having cancer] Yes it was pretty terrible.  Still [moving into fake jollity] all better now!! 

Them: Yes, yes, thats great, so you’re in remission? [etc etc]

One of the worst moments was in the midst of getting fitted for a new bra, and the saleswoman commented that my current bra was a TERRIBLE fit, and FAR too big.  I said I’d lost quite a bit of weight, and she delightedly told me how wonderful it was, and asked how had I managed to do THAT?  Of course, I should have lied, but for some reason in this situation I just can’t, I sort of have this fear of being caught out and then wouldn’t it be awful to have lied about having cancer?  Anyway, I told the truth and she was just crushed, she visibly shrank before me and apologised and quickly left the changing room. 

Recently I started a new job, and had the inevitable tour around the floor, meeting numerous new people.  Of course, everyone asked where I had been working before joining the new firm, and having only had one (short term, 3 month) job in the last year and a half, at a finance company, I told people my last job was in fact the job before that, where I had been for two years, at an energy company.  Then a newsletter came out, circulated to all staff, that included the information that I had just joined the firm from the finance company.  No-one has said anything, but I’m sure at least one person at the firm has noticed that I’d told them I had a completely different job, and puzzled over this. 

Now, as I attend more functions and meetings and get to know people, I am having more conversations that lead inevitably to the ACM.  Do I, or don’t I, tell my new colleagues that I was diagnosed with cancer last year?

Why not, you may ask, what is there to be ashamed of?  Nothing of course, but how often would you like to have that conversation?  

Or, why should I tell them, you may say, its none of their business?  True, but then I’m always recounting my recent history with a large gap in it (and our recent history comes up in conversation more than you’d imagine), and anyway, I’m fundamentally an extremely honest person, and I just find it easier if I’m always upfront.

Of course the people who actually employed me know, and they don’t seem to care, so I can probably assume no-one else will feel any differently about me because of it.  

And to be sure, I don’t want anyone to feel any differently about me.  I don’t need any sympathy – I’m not being tough as old boots, I just literally don’t.  I’ve got plenty of support if I’m feeling sorry for myself, and I don’t have any special requirements that people could help me with if they knew. 

I think the real struggle is my own internal battle with my feelings about having cancer.  I had a terrible, terrible time.  I confronted the prospect of death, at the age of 32, and what that would mean for my family, for my two small daughters.  I lived through that, and I’ve come out the other side.  I think about it every day, still, and I wish I didn’t.  But I’m also afraid of losing the lessons I learned.  I learned to live as completely and fully as I can, to be grateful, and to fight the big fights, not the small ones.  

Can I hold on to those lessons, but let go of the painful memories and the fear that sits on my shoulder, the fear that it will come back?  Can I, in short, have my cake and eat it?

I remember once, shortly after diagnosis, driving in my car and forgetting to indicate.  Another driver was furious with me, pulled a face and waved her arms, her mouth opening and closing silently behind her windscreen.  I stared back in wonder: how on earth could she get so upset over something so incredibly trivial?  People were dying in the world, children were starving and being abused, wars were being fought; and yet she was furious about my failure to indicate.

I thought then: I will never let myself be like that again, from this point, I have perspective and I will use that to live a better life.

But yes, last week I found myself sitting in the other car, waiving my hands in disgust, tooting my horn, furious at another driver.   

So I think, on balance, I’ll have some of those Awkward Cancer Moments.  I’d rather be honest, it just suits me that way.  And maybe I have to accept that some of the sadness sitting on my shoulder is just the price to pay for the lessons sitting there too.